破产姐妹在哪看（破产姐妹在哪看高清）

一个牛排三明治

One steak sandwich

一个芝士汉堡 要门斯特芝士

and a cheeseburger with muenster cheese.

门斯特芝士卖完了

We're out of muenster.

什么时候

Oh, since when?

看看哦 餐馆是82年开的

Well, let's see, the diner opened in '82.

那就82年咯

So '82.

嗨 抱歉 我们的门斯特芝士卖完了

Hi, sorry but we're out of muenster.

不是吧 兄弟

Seriously, dude?

我要门斯特芝士

I wanted muenster.

不好意思 我们有切德芝士 瑞士芝士 美国芝士

Sorry, we have cheddar, Swiss or American.

我讨厌什么切德还是瑞士的劳什子

I hate cheddar and Swiss blows.

那就 美国的呢

Well… then American?

美国芝士

American cheese?

我是谁 小学生么

What am I, at grade school?

没错 去校长办公室

Yeah, go to the principal's office.

姐这么点破地儿容不下第二个傻子

I can't have another idiot up my ass right now.

它已经满负荷了

It's at capacity.

Max 我能搞定

Max, I got this.

你要不要再看下菜单呢

Would you like to see the menu again?

瞎扯淡呢 我要门斯特芝士

This is crap, okay, I wanted muenster.

我还想有家500强公司呢

Well, I wanted to be running a fortune 500 company

省得再在这里伺候像你这种毒昏昏的老小孩儿

instead of waiting on a toxic man-child like yourself.

但人生不如意之事常八九

But, we can't always get what we want.

所以点些别的 塞进你的臭嘴里去

So, order something else, put it in your pie hole

然后继续你的混蛋人生

and get on with your damn life.

欢迎来到女侍应的世界

Welcome to waitress.

我们期待你很久了

We've been expecting you.

给你 Earl 10号桌

Here you go, table ten, Earl.

明天有什么特别计划么

Have any exciting plans for tomorrow?

尽量别眼一闭就不睁了 Max

Just trying to not die in my sleep, Max.

你呢

How about you?

我要去看看Caroline的马

I'm going to visit Caroline's horse.

它被个白人富婆领养了

He was adopted by a rich white lady

她能给它我们无法负担的东西

who could give him everything we couldn't afford to.

简单来说 就是全部

Which is everything.

白人啥都想养

White people will adopt anything.

我找到了去看栗栗的最佳路线

I figured out the best way to go see Chestnut.

我们坐J号车转4号去到中央车站

We take the J train to the 4, the 4 to Grand Central,

换车去Riverdale

change trains to Riverdale

再走3个街区就能到它的新家了

and walk three blocks to his fancy new stable.

听上去不错 我要来个移动摄像吗

Sounds exotic. Do I need a travel shot?

不要 但在中央车站有个恐怖地下道什么的

No, but there's a dicey underpass at Grand Central

我们可能会被嘣了

where we might get shot.

能再见到我家宝贝 我实在太激动了

I am so excited to see my baby again.

我也是

Me too.

按照Lifetime台的剧情来走的话

In the Lifetime movie version,

我们到那里 发现栗栗更喜欢

we get there and Chestnut likes

它的新家 然后我们抱头痛哭

his new home better and then we cry.

麻烦一下

Excuse me, Hi.

抱歉打断你们了

Sorry to bother you.

我叫Rhya 我有点小囧

I'm Rhya, I'm a little embarrassed.

我大姨妈来了

I just got my period.

恭喜欸

Mazel tov.

你们谁有卫生棉么

Do either of you have a tampon?

别看我

Not me.

我每次就冲进树林直到她拜拜了

I just go off into the woods and don't come out

才出来

until it's over.

我有一个

I have one.

抱歉打扰你们了

I'm so sorry to bother you guys.

没事 "卫生棉的夏天"（恶搞电影 牛仔裤的夏天）

No problem, Sisterhood of the Traveling Panty Shields

事实上 没有 我用掉了

Actually, no, I don't have one.

这里有25美分 那里有自动棉条售货机

Here's a quarter, there's a tampon machine

– 在女洗手间里 – 多谢

– in the ladies' room. – Thanks.

上菜 6号桌

Pick up, table six.

我不小心听了一下

I couldn't help overhear.

我有卫生棉啊

I have tampon.

Oleg 为什么你会有啊

Oleg, why do you have a tampon?

和我带着打火机同一个原因 虽然我不抽烟

Same reason I carry a lighter, even though I don't smoke.

英雄救美的感觉真不赖

Feels good to be the hero.

再打扰一下 你还有别的零钱么

Sorry, again, but do you have any more change?

要75美分

It's 75 cents.

是25美分

It's a quarter.

75 机器上这么写着的

75. Says so on the machine.

它最好不是 否则我要对个机器黄暴一下了

It better not or I'm about to rage against the machine.

搞毛

What?

Han 你给我进来

Han, I need to see you in here now.

但那是女洗手间

But that is the ladies' room.

你没事儿的

You're fine.

妇女都会把小孩儿往里面带

Women bring their little boys in here all the time.

大家都穿好了吗

Everybody decent?

有男的进女洗手间了

Man in the ladies' room.

我为我私自闯入道歉

I apologize for personal intrusion.

你不用遮着眼睛

You don't have to cover your eyes.

这是女洗手间 不是看日食

It's a ladies' room, not a solar eclipse.

Max 为什么你想要

Max, why do you want to see me

在这种不合适的地方见我呢

in this inappropriate meeting place?

这就是原因 卫生棉售货机

This is why. The tampon machine.

额 这就不是男人的话题了

Oh, this is not man topic.

我可不想讨论女人

I do not wish to discuss time of the month

每个月追着小棉鼠跑的那几天

when ladies must chase the cotton mouse.

追着小棉鼠跑

Chase the cotton mouse?

老天爷啊 你从哪里接受的性教育

Geeze, where'd you get your sex education?

绵绵羊的玩乐时间

Lambchop's playalong?

Han 你改了卫生棉的价钱吗

Han, you changed the price of tampons?

是的 这不是个恰当的谈话

Yes, this is not appropriate talk.

不是 这是种不恰当的行为

No, this is not appropriate action.

它们一直都是25美分的

They've been a quarter forever.

看看这机子都是什么年代的了

Look how old this machine is.

Harriet Tubman还在这里买过卫生棉呢

Harriet Tubman used to get her tampons here.

我是个商人

I'm a businessman.

强调一下 男的

Emphasis on the man.

我不属于这里

I do not belong in here.

喂 喂

Hey, hey!

别逼我追着你 你这个卡其小土鼠

Don't make me chase you, you little khaki mouse.

Han 这里的每个人都知道

Look, han, everyone knows there are certain things

大家需要的应急物品

that people need in an emergency

是永远不能涨价的

that you never raise the price on.

比如说呢

Things like what?

要我的话 卫生棉和40盎司的啤酒

Off the top of my head, tampons and 40-ounce beers.

Max 你怎么那么不爽

Max, why are you so upset?

就是2个25美分而已

It is only two more quarters.

Han 那是200%的涨幅

Han, that's a 200% price hike.

太暴力了

That's outrageous.

你在占女人便宜

You're taking advantage of women.

如果男人有大姨夫的话

If men were the ones who got periods,

卫生棉说不定就是免费扔给你的

tampons would be thrown free

像从花车里扔的狂欢节彩带一样满天飞

from floats like Mardi Gras beads.

我去过狂欢节 11岁

I went to Mardi Gras once–I was 11.

我妈妈和她的新男友想去

My mom and her new boyfriend wanted to go,

他们要一个固定司机

and they needed a designated driver.

Earl 我需要个男人的想法

Earl, I need a man's opinion.

我是有权给我餐馆的任何商品

Is it my right to raise the price

涨价的吧

of any product in my diner?

啥东西涨价了

What product are we talking about?

卫生棉

Tampons.

弟兄欸

Oh, brother.

你最好休息休息 闭上嘴嘴

Uh, you gotta just relax and butt out.

相信我

Trust me.

这种事儿我见得多了

I been in this situation a long time.

还记得Flo姨妈么

Remember Aunt Flo?

那可是我的姨

That was my aunt.

Han 就因为你能从一个商人的立场占便宜

Han, just because you can take advantage

并不意味着你必须要这么做

of a business situation, doesn't mean you should.

这是供需法则

It is law of supply and demand.

好吧 我要求你改回原来的供应价格

Fine, then I demand you roll back the price on the supply.

拜托 Han 别那么锱铢必计了

Come on han, don't be so 1% about it.

你以为占领华尔街厉害咩

You think occupy Wall Street was a big deal?

你就等着看我们占领卫生棉吧

Wait till you see occupy tampon.

我们每个月只抗议一次

We only protest once a month,

但那绝对是激烈的5到7天

but it's an intense five to seven days.

有了 找到牛奶了

Got it. Found the milk.

比找到黄油快

And I found it even faster than the butter.

你知道它们不是在跟你捉迷藏

You know they're not hiding it from you.

这是杂货店 不是在联谊会猎艳

It's a grocery store, not a sorority scavenger hunt.

杂货店好好玩

Grocery shopping is so fun.

我还小的时候 总是在想

When I was little, I always wondered

这些东西都是哪里冒出来的

where this stuff came from.

那是什么

What's that?

给我妈妈的生日卡片

Birthday card for my mom.

我看看

Aww, let me see.

愿你早日康复

Get better soon?

我还以为你说这是生日卡片

I thought you said it was a birthday card.

是的 但这似乎是唯一

It is, that's the only one that seemed

适合我们的关系的

appropriate for our relationship.

你认为你妈妈生日会真心想要

Do you really want your mom to get

一张慰问卡么

a get well card on her birthday?

这里有张带草莓的 不错哟

Okay… here's one with a strawberry, that's fine.

因为里面得夹50块钱呢 别搞错了

It's really about the 50 bucks inside anyway.

你这样说让我好伤心

That makes me sad.

伤心 我能解决

Sad? I can fix that.

吃个糖 你会又开心起来的

Have a treat, it'll perk you right back up.

Max 你刚扎烂了一袋糖果

Max, you just stabbed a bag of candy.

没事 他们会以为是

That's okay, they'll just think a gang

黑帮路人整的

came through and did it.

糖果黑帮

A candy gang?

什么 比如sour patch kids咩

What, like the sour patch kids?

快走开 假装不是你干的

Just step away and pretend you didn't do it.

别傻站着

That's what you do.

我们只需要再抓10盒

We just need to grab ten boxes

Duncan Hines蛋糕粉 搞定

of Duncan Hines cake mix and we're done.

为什么我们要这么做

Why would we need to do that?

想啥呢 不做蛋糕了

Why do you think? To make the cupcakes.

我还以为是自家做的

I thought the cupcakes were homemade.

是自家做的 我在我家做的

They are, I make them in my home.

你一直用盒装蛋糕咩

You've been using a boxed cake mix?

放松 我只是在我累的时候才用的

Relax, I only use it when I'm tired.

而且 我还会往里面加点我的独家秘方

And I add a secret ingredient of my own to the mix

那样做出来的蛋糕简直是棒极了

that makes them irresistible.

所以 你一点都不为此感到羞愧

So you have no shame using the store-bought mix?

我啥都不羞愧 这词儿就像Ke$ha一样是被捧起来的

I've no shame about anything. Shame is overrated like Ke$ha.

事实上 他们该把羞愧叫做keshame

In fact, they should rename shame keshame

我刚买了个Ke$ha唱片 我太keshamed了

I just bought a Ke$ha album, I'm so keshamed.

不是该有人帮我们装袋的吗

Shouldn't there be someone to do this for us?

或者他在走廊

Oh, he's probably in the aisle

整理糖果黑帮留下的烂摊子呢

cleaning up after the candy gang.

今晚这儿可没什么糖果黑帮

There was no candy gang in here tonight.

只有某个鬼鬼祟祟的顾客 对不对不呦

That was a sneaky customer, now wasn't it?

快看

Hey, look.

这是给栗栗的 我都等不及了

For Chestnut, I can't wait.

我给它选的都是带叶子的 像兔八哥一样

I got him the kind with tops on them, like Bugs Bunny.

它明天见到我们一定会很激动的

He'll be so excited when he sees the two of us tomorrow.

我知道

I know.

我在说我和胡萝卜

I was talking about me and the carrots.

好吧 你们总共70块4毛9

All right now, your total is $70.49.

哇哦 好像很贵的样子

Wow, that seems like a lot.

又不是我定价 对不对不呦

I don't make the prices, now do I?

不 我只是评论一下而已

No, I was just commenting.

这可不是CNN啊 对不对不呦

Well, it's not CNN, now is it?

– 给 给她优惠券 – 优惠券

– Here, give her the coupons. – The coupons?

对啊 拿去

Yeah, here.

Max 你居然用优惠券

Max, you use coupons?

我没想法了

I had no idea.

这眼神就好像我在被"逮捕罪犯"偷拍

You're looking at me like I'm on To Catch a Predator.

我们不需要用优惠券 我这边有我的小费

We don't need to use those, I have my tip money right here.

你在说啥啊 我有优惠券啊

What are you talking about, I have coupons.

快点拿去

Here, take them.

我 我有

I-I have–

我说不出口 我不想说

I can't, I don't want to.

我已经很堕落了 不能再往下沉了

I've fallen so far, I can't fall any further.

别逼我

Don't make me.

你表老这么惭愧得要死好不好

There's no need to go down a keshame spiral.

嗨 她有优惠券

Hi, she has coupons.

你现在才告诉我你有优惠券

Oh, now you tell me you have coupons?

该早点儿告诉我啊 对不对不呦

Should have told me before, now shouldn't ya?

我一点都不想告诉你 她逼我的

I didn't wanna tell you at all, she made me.

对不对不呦

Now didn't ya?

听着 这又没什么

Look, it's not a big deal.

很多人用优惠券的

Lots of people use coupons.

优惠券是给

Coupons are for–

穷人用的 没错

Poor people, yes.

比如说我们

Like us.

比如站在收银台前嚎着

People who stand at the cash register and say things like,

"呜哇 70块 好贵啊" 的人

"Wow, $70? That seems like a lot."

你们折后价是12块7

Your new total is $12.70

等等 咋一下就从70块直接降到12块

wait, it just went from $70 to $12?

就这样

Just like that?

更少的钱能买到一样的东西

The same food for less money?

完全一样的东西

The exact same food?

那肿么可能

How is that even possible?

你用了优惠券啊 对不对不呦

You used coupons, now didn't ya.

Max 优惠券太油菜了

Max, coupons are genius.

我迟到了 我知道

I'm late, I know.

我刚刚收到栗栗发来的短信

I just got a text from Chestnut.

你们在哪儿呢

"Where are you?

我盛装打扮了呢

I'm wearing my best suit."

他把"装"字打错了 不过对于一匹马来讲已经不错了

He spelled suit with a four, but that's pretty good for a horse.

我能解释啦

I have a good reason.

15罐鸡肉馅饼

15 chicken pot pies.

市场价 1块4毛7

Regular price: $1.47.

优惠价 免费

Coupon price: Free!

因为我买了15罐然后

Cause I bought 15 and used

用两张店内销售优惠券叠加

the double coupon in-store sale combo.

你看我已经用术语了呢

Listen to me with the lingo already.

让我想起了在华尔街实习的第一天

Reminds me of my first day interning on Wall Street.

鸡肉馅饼罐头

Chicken pot pies?

你都不喜欢吃那个

You don't even like them.

喜不喜欢有啥关系

What does it matter if I like them or not?

不要钱啊

They were free.

这是天上掉馅饼

It's free money.

谁不喜欢天上掉下来的馅饼

Who doesn't like free money?

天上掉不掉馅饼我不知道

I don't know about free money,

但这就像看到有人

but this is like watching someone

第一次上共享网站

free base for the first time.

栗栗没事的

Chestnut's fine.

没什么大不了的

It's not a big deal.

噢 栗栗刚才又发了一条短信过来

Ooh, oh, I just got another text from Chestnut.

我好寂寞呐 我刚抽了几根

"I'm so lonely, I just tried smoking."

我们能明天再去的嘛

We can go tomorrow.

这个情节让Lifetime台来拍的话

In the Lifetime movie version,

我们正好错过了法庭指定探望的那一天

we just missed the day we were appointed by the court,

然后栗栗的新主人把它搬出了城

and Chestnut's new parents move him out of town.

然后我们就桑心了

And we cry.

我知道啦 那我们晚一点儿再去

I get it, it's just that after last night,

我被优惠券的概念震精了

I woke up fascinated by the concept of coupons.

所以我做了一点调查

So I did some research.

我在网上找到了这个女人

I found this woman online

她说自己是威廉斯堡优惠券女王

who calls herself the Williamsburg Coupon Queen.

不过她叫它们 "油灰券"

Only she calls them "cue-pons."

这种叫法是对的吗

Is that the correct way to pronounce it?

我打算按她叫法的来

Eh, I'm gonna go with her way

不管怎么样 她可是女王

after all, she is the queen.

罐头南瓜

Canned pumpkin?

十罐 双倍优惠 五分一罐

Ten cans, double coupon, five cents each.

好极了 因为晚上我躺在床上

Great, cause I'm always lying in bed at night

总是梦想要开罐南瓜嚼嚼

thinking I wish I could crack open a can of pumpkin.

还有我找到了一张可以优惠券你能送给你妈妈

Oh, and I found a coupon for you to send your mom an

当做特别的生日礼物

edible arrangement for her birthday.

菠萝花式点心可比夹钱贺卡要有意义多了

A pretty pineapple daisy says so much more than cash in a card.

而且和常规价格比起来打6折呢

And it's for 40% off the regular price.

那太好了因为我妈妈和常规妈妈比起来也是打六折呢

That's perfect because my mom was 40% off a regular mom.

还有 Max 这个包里还有一些东西要给你

And Max, I do have something else for you in this bag.

一些会让你很开心的东西

Something that'll make you very happy.

等我腻了罐头南瓜以后给我准备的罐头山药

Canned yams for when I get tired of canned pumpkin?

更好 看

Better, look.

小心了 Han Lee

Look out, Han Lee.

我准备要示威了

I'm about to get my tamp on.

哼 哼 要说谁现在最不把经济危机当回事

Well well, if it isn't everything that's wrong

就是我眼前穿童装V领毛衣的小屁孩了吧

with the current economy, in a boys' v-neck sweater.

天 你以为你在干啥

Oh, what do you think you are doing?

噢 只是吧吸管放在罐子里

Oh, just putting straws in the container…

以防 呃

in case, uh…

以防有女人可能突然需要一支吸管

Just in case a woman might suddenly need a straw

但是没有75美分

and not have 75 cents.

那些可不是吸管

Those are not straws.

他们不应该出现在公共场合

They do not belong in public.

你妈妈从来没教过你

Didn't your mother ever teach you

那是女人私密的那啥那啥

that is secret, no-no private lady thing?

你连它的名字都不敢说出来

You can't even say the name.

来啊华尔街 如果你能卖这东西

Come on Wall Street, if you can sell it,

你应该大胆的说出它们的名字

you should be able to bring yourself to say it.

我绝对不会说的

I will never speak of it.

说就说呗 卫生棉 卫生棉 卫生棉

Just say it. Tampon, tampon, tampon.

有啥大不了的

What's the big deal?

在乌克兰 还有一首流行歌说大姨妈的

In Ukraine, there are pop songs about it.

她很漂亮 她很暴躁

She's so pretty, she's so grouchy.

这是很不适当的示威行为

That is inappropriate counter display.

快把它拿下去

You take it down.

你把价格降下来我就拿下去

You take down the price and I will.

不要 现在是自由市场

No, it is free market.

我想怎么定价就怎么定价

I charge what I want.

我才是老板

I am the boss.

Max 有人留了一沓全是油灰券的报纸在桌上

Max, someone left a stack of newspapers filled with cue-pons,

你看 Duncan Hines蛋糕粉的双倍优惠

and look, a double for Duncan Hines.

日子敢不敢再好一点

Could this day get any better?

好极了

Okay.

姐这就来了

Have 'em ready right here.

Max 表这样 那是秘密

Max, no, that is private!

这是你们的单子

Here's your check.

还有附赠的一点小东西

And a little something extra,

女人们都在到处抱怨没有75美分

compliments of women without three quarters everywhere.

谢谢

Thank you very much.

我不知道你的流量

I don't know about your flow,

所以给你一个普通的一个量多的

so I gave you a regular and a super.

Max 你到底有没有羞耻心

Max, have you no shame?

木有

Nope.

女士们 每个月那个来了的时候

Ladies, at that time of the month,

我请你们想想这位先生

I invite you to think of this man.

这位先生 Han Lee 就是这位

This man, Han Lee, right over here.

这位先生觉得你们的大姨妈应该更贵

The man who thinks your menses should be more expenses.

好吧 好吧 我会降价的

Okay, okay, I will lower the price

降回25美分

back to a quarter.

这个话题结束了 句号

And that is end of discussion, period.

噢

Oh.

卫生棉送给大家

Tampons for everyone.

Max 你真是女性卫生保健领域的Norma Rae

Max, you are the Norma Rae of feminine hygiene.

风太大了

It's so windy.

又一次选择优惠券购物而不去看你儿子

Choosing coupon shopping over going to see your son again?

真是太无耻了

That's a keshame.

这情节Lifetime台来拍的话

In the Lifetime movie version,

就是他们因为你是个不合格的母亲而把你带走

this is where they take you away as an unfit mother.

然后我不会桑心的

And I don't cry.

对不起嘛 我就是刚好看到了

I'm sorry, but I just saw

所有这些蛋糕粉的油灰券今天将要到期

that all these cake mix cue-pons expire today.

我会很快搞定的

I'll be real quick.

十分钟 进出 搞定

Ten minutes, in and out.

如果我每次听男人这么说的时候

If I had a cue-pon for every time

都能拿到优惠劵就好了

I heard that from a guy.

拿着 从这些报纸上开始找

Here, start going through these papers

注意蛋糕双倍折扣的优惠信息

and look for the cake mix double cue-pon.

如果我把这些优惠券跟店内优惠信息再组合使用

If I combine these with the in-store bonus,

我们不只能搞到更低的优惠价格

not only will we get the lower cue-pon mix price,

而且他们还会返现23块

but they will actually give us $23 back!

我给你24块 可以别说"油灰"券了吗

I'll give you $24 to stop saying cue-pon.

来嘛 开始从这些蛋糕粉信息里面找出来

Come on, start pulling out the ones for the cake mix.

就要风卷残云的速度

It'll be a breeze.

不 这才是一阵风

No, that was a breeze.

天啊 我的油灰券们啊

My cue-pons!

事实是 你越担心你的优惠券

The fact that you're more worried about your coupons

你的发型就越显示你堕落得有多惨

than your hair shows how far you've fallen.

天啊 不敢相信

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Max 那是威廉汉堡的油灰券女王

Max, it's the Williamsburg cue-pon queen.

她把她的皇冠落哪儿了 小货车里吗

Where'd she leave her crown, in the minivan?

太高兴了 我要去表示下我的敬仰

This is so exciting. I have to go pay my respects.

我们没时间做这个啦

We don't have time for this.

赶快把蛋糕粉扔进购物车里

Just throw the cake mix into the cart

不然我们就赶不上车了

or we'll miss the train.

冷静点 好好享用

There, calm down, have a treat.

我马上回来

I'll be right back.

不好意思 女王殿下

Excuse me, your highness,

你是不是油灰券皇后啊

but aren't you the cue-pon queen?

嗯哼

Mm-hmm.

我叫Caroline

I'm Caroline.

我叫Freddie 这会儿没空搭话

Freddie, and I can't talk right now

要是我丢了我的女王之位

because if I lose my place-

– 你会抓狂的啊 – 我会抓 狂 的

– you'll lose your mind! – I'm gonna lose… my… mind…

我懂 你经常在节目里说这个

I know. You say that on your show.

我无意打扰你的 但是我想你也许也会很高兴

I won't bother you, but I think you'll be excited

当我告诉你这仅仅是我的第二天使用优惠券

when I tell you that it's only my second day

但我已经学会了

and I already learned

如何购买蛋糕粉能省钱又返现

how to make money on the purchase of cake mix.

我只需购买四十盒就能得到

All I have to do is buy 40 boxes and we get the–

商店返现 是的

Store bonus, yeah.

蛋糕粉 挺稀罕的打折啊

Cake mix… That's a rare cue-pon.

你在哪儿找到的

Where'd you find it?

昨天的传单上 你没看到吗

Yesterday's circulars. Didn't you see it?

我错过了

I missed it.

去卡车那边 给我抱一堆传单回来

Go to the truck and get the stockpile of circulars.

瞧他走了

Look at him go.

你在扫货

You're sweeping the shelves.

在你的节目上 你说扫货是犯规啊

On your show, you said sweeping the shelves was out of line.

Max

Max!

这些是我们的 我先来的

These are mine, I was here first.

我想照这种扫法 她可能会折腾到关门

I think she's probably gonna be here last,

走吧 我们并不需要这些

so let's go, we don't need these.

才不是 如果我们没买到40盒就不免费了

We do, if we don't get 40 boxes, they won't be free.

我见过真的女王 这些都不符合皇家礼仪

I've met actual queens and this isn't royal behavior.

Max 她挤我

Max, she just body-checked me.

你再挤我试下 我就去报告给美国大使馆

Push me again and I will report you to the American embassy.

Max 过来

Max, get in here.

咋地 想玩儿两把

Oh, we got a problem?

尼玛还真来劲了啊

Oh, we got a problem.

草 泥 马

Oh, hell no!

我们咋地了

What do we do?

我们装作啥都没发生过 然后淡定的离开

You step away and pretend you didn't do it.

就这么办

That's what you do.

24盒 25盒

24, 25–

你们非要我这样等着 对不对不呦

You're making me wait, now aren't ya?

等我数够40盒

Just till I get to 40.

26盒 27盒 28盒

26, 27, 28.

求你了 我给你买好不

Come on, I'll buy it for you.

还不赶紧蹭他的钱买了这鬼东西

Come on, take up the bitch on his offer

咱们去看栗栗

and let's go see Chestnut.

Max 安静点 我正在计算

Max, shh, I'm counting.

如果我们没有正确的组合使用这些优惠券

If we don't have the exact right mix-to-coupon ratio

我们就不能得到这些免费的优惠

we won't get our free money.

好的 我们算到哪儿了

Okay, where was I?

大业余

Amateur.

女王殿下 自重啊

Real mature, your highness.

我们还有地方要去

We have places to go.

OK 40盒

Okay, 40.

你扫描吧 Tanya

Take it away, Tanya.

等等 这是什么

Wait, what is this?

这不是Duncan Hines牌子的 这是Pillsbury牌子的

This isn't Duncan Hines, it's Pillsbury.

哪儿来的

Where did this come from?

我丢进去的

I put it in.

你不能这样

You can't do that.

它必须全部是Duncan Hines牌子的

It has to be all Duncan Hines.

我需要Pillsbury牌的

I needed Pillsbury.

你不能买这个

Well, you can't have it.

– 我需要这个 – 为啥啊

– I need it! – Why?

– 我需要这个 – 为啥啊

– I need it! – Why?

这就是神秘配方

That's the secret ingredient.

我丢了一汤匙Pillsbury

I throw a spoon of Pillsbury

在Duncan Hines里

in the Duncan Hines.

Pillsbury

Pillsbury?

这就是你的神秘配方

That's what makes it you?

这才是神来一笔

That's what makes it more delicious.

Tanya 停一下 裁判举旗

Tanya, stop, flag on the play.

把这个拿回去给我换一个

Here, take this back and get me another.

你说怎么着 我只想趁着咱们

You know what, I'm just gonna go

还有时间的时候去看看栗栗

see Chestnut while I still have time.

表 Max 麻烦把这个退回去 然后拿另外的过来

No, Max, please take this back and get me another one.

从一开始 就是你想用

You're the one who wanted to use

现成蛋糕粉替代自己的配方的

the store-bought mix instead of making your own from scratch.

所以 把这个退回去 再拿些另外的过来

So go back and get me another mix.

我用店里卖的是因为我自己不知道怎么做

I used the mix because I don't know how to make my own.

从来没人教过我

No one ever taught me.

没人教我怎么烘焙

No one taught me how to bake.

没人教我怎么使用卫生棉条

No one taught me how to use tampons.

任何事都没人来教我

No one taught me anything.

你是不是还坚持认为我应该给我妈一份更好的礼物

You still think I should send my mom a better gift?

也没人教你咋个结账

And no one taught you how to check out, either.

我走了

I'm going.

Max

Max.

你是要换的 对不对不呦

You need to get another mix, now don't ya?

我去换 马上好

I'll go get it, won't take a minute.

谁才是女王呢

Who's the queen now?

嘿 老哥

Hey, my dude.

你这外套咋这潮呐

Look at you and your fancy coat.

退休生活很适合你啊

Retirement looks good on you.

告诉过你我会来看你的

Told you I'd come by to see you.

约个小会啃点儿萝卜

Hooked you up with some carrots.

兔八哥款的 我知道你喜欢这个

Bugs Bunny status, like I know you like.

我 不知道你收到我的短信了不

I, uh, I don't know if you got my text.

这儿可能信号不大好 但是

Probably not a great signal in here, but…

你妈咪可能会迟点到

your mom might be a little late.

她还是会来的 我知道她想死你了

She's coming though 'cause I know she's dying to see you.

好吧 兄弟 我能骗谁呢

All right, man, who am I kidding?

她不会来的

She's not coming.

我知道这很难接受

I know that's hard to hear,

相信我 被妈咪给踹了

and trust me, mothers not showing up,

我可知道这滋味儿

I've been there.

但是 无论她在哪儿

But, I know wherever she is,

她都在思念着你

she is thinking of you.

好吧我在蒙你

Okay, that's not true either.

事情的真相是这样的

Here's the thing.

你妈咪不靠谱啊

Your mom is a flake.

你有两个选择

And you got two options,

你可以呆在这儿悲天伤地

you can sit around feeling sorry for yourself

或者你也可以对自己说 "欧液妈咪不在家

or you can say, "hey, my mom's not here.

我可以整天的看电视

"I can watch tv all day and then go kick in

想去踢爆邻居的窗户就去"

a neighbor's window because I feel like it."

嘿

Hey.

嘿 看着我

Hey, look at me.

她没来不是你的错

The fact that she's not here is not your fault.

是她的错

It's hers.

我只是安慰你下下

There, I just saved you, like,

就跟安慰14岁小孩儿被性骚扰后一样

14 inappropriate sexual encounters.

嗨

Hi.

嘿

Hey.

嗨 栗栗

Hi, Chestnut!

小宝贝儿

Hi, baby.

我好想你

I missed you.

想死你了

I missed you so much.

你有没有想我啊

Did you miss me?

你搞到蛋糕优惠了

So you got all the cake mix?

是的 外加折现的23块

Yes, plus the $23.

而且我也买了你要的Pillsbury牌

And I got you your Pillsbury as well.

全价 贵死了

Paid full price– it killed me.

你真是优惠券狂人

You are a freak with the coupons.

我晓得

I know.

我不知道被什么洗脑了

I don't know what came over me.

当我发现有方法可以免费捞钱

When I found a way to make free money

我就啥都不管了

I forgot about everyone else.

噢 天啊

Oh, my God.

我就跟我爸一样

Like my father.

Max 我有庞氏基因

Max, I have Ponzi DNA.

是嘛 带打折劵儿的庞氏基因

Yeah, cou-Ponzi DNA.

自己学会这一切肯定很艰难

Must have been hard learning to do everything on your own.

我的意思是 虽然我啥事儿不会

I mean, I don't know how to do any of that stuff either,

但我有20个佣人呢

but, I had a staff of 20.

是啊 我在二十岁感染了葡萄球菌

Yeah, I got staph at 20.

你以为你的神秘配方

You know, you may think your secret ingredient

是一汤匙的Pillsbury

is a spoonful of Pillsbury,

其实并不是

but it's not.

而是你

It's you.

正是你经历过的一切

It's everything you've been through

才塑造了现在的你

that makes you who you are.

为卫生棉条而战

Someone who fights for a box of tampons

为栗栗的感受而战

and fights for a horse's feelings

就算朋友在陷在优惠庞氏混乱中

and even fights for a box of cake mix

她也为了一盒特别的蛋糕粉而坚决说不

when a friend in the middle of a cue-Ponzi panic, asks her to.

每次lifetime台的电影放到这部分时

This is the part in the lifetime movie version

就是我的尿点了

where I get up to pee.

骗谁呢

I don't know who you're kidding.

你会看完整部影片还哭得稀里哗啦的

You watch the entire movie and then you cry.

听听她说的 栗栗

Listen to her, Chestnut.

她以为她很懂我呐

She thinks she has me all figured out.

她不知道的是在做纸杯蛋糕时

What she doesn't know is that when it comes to the cupcakes,

我还有另外一种好神秘好神秘的配方呢

I have another secret, secret ingredient.

噢 不要告诉我是一小撮Betty Crocker

Oh, don't tell me it's a pinch of Betty Crocker.

才不告诉你 这是保密配方

I can't tell you. It's a secret ingredient.

好吧 是巧克力味的麻黄碱

Okay, it's chocolate methamphetamine.

是的 这是真的

No, it's true.

我们的口号应该是

Our slogan should be:

为了这玩意儿你能打劫你奶奶

They're so good, you'll rob your grandmother.

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